Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

A notification from across the pond​

BEER AND THE WHEEL

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called “vegetarians” which was an early human word meaning “bad hunter”) learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass, for obvious reasons .

Modern Liberals like special-flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks! Right after I forward this message.

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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground and I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!'"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago"

BURNOUT PREVENTION AND RECOVERY TECHNIQUES
Health Tips and Their Microsoft Counterparts

1. STOP DENYING
Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit the stresses and pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or emotionally.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into unconsciousness.

2. AVOID ISOLATION
Don't do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies with friends and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but also is anathema to agitation and depression.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside so no one will distract you. They're just trying to hurt your productivity.

CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES
If your job, your relationships, a situation, or a person is dragging you under, try to alter your circumstances or, if necessary, leave.

MICROSOFT VIEW: If you feel something is dragging you down, suppress these thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. (It's free.)

4. DIMINISH INTENSITY IN YOUR LIFE
Pinpoint those areas or aspects which summon up the most concentrated intensity and work toward alleviating that pressure.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Increase intensity. Maximum intensity = maximum productivity. If you find yourself relaxed and with your mind wandering, you are probably having a detrimental effect on the stock price.

5. STOP OVERNURTURING
If you routinely take on other people's problems and responsibilities, learn to gracefully disengage. Try to get some nurturing for yourself.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Always attempt to do everything. You ARE responsible for it all. Perhaps you haven't thoroughly read your job description.

6. LEARN TO SAY "NO"
You'll help diminish intensity by speaking up for yourself. This means refusing additional requests or demands on your time or emotions.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Never say no to anything. It shows weakness and lowers the stock price. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do at midnight.

7. BEGIN TO BACK OFF AND DETACH
Learn to delegate, not only at work, but also at home and with friends. In this case, detachment means rescuing yourself for yourself.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Delegating is a sign of weakness. Let someone else do it (see #5).

8. REASSESS YOUR VALUES
Try to sort out the meaningful values from the temporary and fleeting, the essential from the nonessential. You'll conserve energy and time, and begin to feel more centered.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Stop thinking about your own problems. This is selfish. If your values change, we will make an announcement at the company meeting. Until then, if someone calls you and questions your priorities, tell them that you are unable to comment on this and give them the number for Microsoft Marketing. It will be taken care of.

9. LEARN TO PACE YOURSELF
Try to take life in moderation. You only have so much energy available. Ascertain what is wanted and needed in your life, then begin to balance work with love, pleasure, and relaxation.

MICROSOFT VIEW: A balanced life is a myth perpetuated by the Lotus Marketing Team. Don't be a fool: the only thing that matters is work and productivity.

10. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY
Don't skip meals, abuse yourself with rigid diets, disregard your need for sleep, or break doctor appointments. Take care of yourself nutritionally.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Your body serves your mind, your mind serves the company. Push the mind and the body will follow. Drink Mountain Dew. (It's free.)

11. DIMINISH WORRY AND ANXIETY
Try to keep superstitious worrying to a minimum changes nothing. You'll have a better grip on your situation if you spend less time worrying and more time taking care of your real needs.

MICROSOFT VIEW: If you're not worrying about work, you must not be very committed to it. We'll find someone who is.

12. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR
Begin to bring joy and happy moments into your life. Very few people suffer burnout when they're having fun.

MICROSOFT VIEW: So, you think your work is funny? We'll discuss this with your manager on Friday. At 7:00 pm.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and The Bank billed her for February March for their annual service charges on her credit card, added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance of $0, is now somewhere around $60.

A Family Member placed a call to The Bank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: “I am calling to tell you she died in January.”
The Bank: “The account was never closed, and the late fees charges still apply.”
Family Member: “Maybe you should turn it over to collections.”
The Bank: “Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
The Bank: “Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau. Maybe both !”
Family Member: “Do you think G-d will be mad at her?” (I really liked this part !!!!)
The Bank: “Excuse me?”
Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you? The part about her being dead?”
The Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” !

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you she died in January.”
The Bank: “The account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply.” (This must be a phrase taught by The Bank!)
Family Member: “Do you mean you want to collect from her estate?”
The Bank: (stammering) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member: “No, I’m her great-nephew.”
The Bank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
Family Member: “Sure.” (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

The Bank: “Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”
Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great ! If not, you could just keep billing her. I really don’t think she will care.”
The Bank: “Well, the late fees charges do still apply.”
(What is wrong with these people??!!)
Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”
The Bank: “Yes, that will help.”
Family Member: ” Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
The Bank: “Sir, that is a cemetery!”
Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!

​

When I took my dog shopping with me...

I pulled into the crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my dog had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look.

“I don’t know about you, lady,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

Dan was frightened of dogs, he was terrified of them with a passion. One morning Dan was driving his car down a busy street when to his surprise he saw ahead of him a fellow running full force with 2 big dogs after him.

“ I’ve just got to save this guy”, thought Dan, and with that he quickly sped up along side of him, rolled down his window, and screamed “Hurry, hop in!”

“Thanks!” said the fellow opening the door, “it’s always hard for me to get a ride when I have my two dogs with me!”

​

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is the Bible the eyes of a child. No insult intended to anyone.

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but G-d, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy G-d is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.'
Anyway, G-d said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then G-d made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed G-d by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden......Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
G-d fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum..
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

How to tell you're really old according to little kids:

Old people have melty faces, so they just pretty much stay home with their dogs. Sydney E, age 5

Old people are crabby, and snore when they sleep. Some old ladies just wear pajamas all day. But old grampas have to wear underwear and stay in the bedroom - they're not allkwed in the living room - Jennifer, age 3

Did you know that old people can get even older than dogs and cats? That's probably why they scream when they look in the mirror - Lynn, age 4

I only know a little bit about old people. I know they have a yard sale and sell all their stuff, and then a dump truck comes and puts them in it and takes them to heaven. And that's it - Delaney W, age 3

Some old people go to heaven. All the other ones go to Canada - Matthew, age 4

Really old people look tired and like to visit graveyards. But they have to be careful because if they fall asleep there, they will get dead too - Michelle, age 5

Old people get bent, and then they die - Matt, age 4

All I know is old people get mad at you if you bite them - Mikey, age 3

Grown ups are old. So are mothers. They usually eat just dinner - and nothing else. They laugh and pretend they are funny like me, but they're not. To have fun they go play with their old people friends - like dinosaurs Sophia M, age 3

@Toedtoes - that is going back to where mine came from... someone in Canada!

@Malka These came from a great book by Kristi Porter. These are actual statements from kids. I think that one mom is in for trouble - if her 3 year old daughter is already that unimpressed with her, she doesn't stand a chance when Sophia becomes a teen.

And I will never hear the phrase "get bent and die" in the same light again.

I'm rather hoping to be one of "all the others" who go to Canada. I hope I get Niagara Falls!

A man has been out fishing by the lake all day but hasn'€™t caught anything. He decides to just give up and call it a day, but on his way he notices an old man fishing but a few feet away from him. The man immediately notices the other fisherman has several buckets full of fish, then witnesses him reeling in yet another one.

“Excuse me, sir”, the man says, “I’ve never been able to catch much of anything around here. I’ve got to ask, what’s your secret?”

The old man pauses for a moment, then mumbles “hmmm mmmph mmm mmph mmm hmm mmmph”.

“I’m sorry, could you say that again?”

The man repeats, a little louder this time, “hmmm mmmph mmm mmph mmm hmm mmmph!”

“I-I still didn’t quite get that, sorry”

Finally, the old man picks up a plastic cup, spits a mouthful of live worms into it, and yells “Ya gotta keep your worms warm!”.

A man was coming out of a café when he saw a very unusual funeral passing by. A coffin was followed by a second coffin, behind which walked a man with a large black dog. Following him was a procession of 200 men in single file.
He asked the man with the dog, whose funeral was it, as he had never seen a funeral like this before. The man replied that it was for his wife, who had been killed by the dog.
'Then who is in the second coffin?', he asked. The man said it was his wife's mother, who had tried to save her, but had also been killed by the dog.
After a moment's thought, the first man said thoughtfully, 'Would you be prepared to let me look after the dog?'.
'Join the queue', the mourner replied.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha !

Carry your groceries AND your golden retriever!

That is a VERY large bike. I don't think I could reach the pedals though. What giant vegetables!