Did we once... have a joke thread? General Chat

You know that feeling when you are on the toilet and realise that the toilet roll is empty? You kind of half pull up your pants, and do that stupid straddle-legged walk to go and get a fresh roll - right?
Thank heavens, I've almost reached Tesco.

Thank you Carole - I have just nearly adda naccident in my nikkies at that!

Sorry if this one has been shared before.
__________
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. After he sits inside, the cabbie says, "Perfect timing! You're just like Charles."

"Who?" the man asked.

"Charles," said the cabbie. "He was a man who did everything right. Like my coming along at the exact moment when you needed a cab. It happened to Charles every time."

The passenger man smiled politely. "Surely not every time."

"It always happened to Charles. And he was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. And not a bad voice, either! He sang, he danced without caring what anybody thought, and you should have heard him play the piano."

"Sounds like he was really special!"

The cabbie went on. "He never forgot a family member's birthday or a friend's. He knew about wine and beers, the best foods to order. Although, he could make a lot of it at home, as good as any chef. And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel appreciated. He would never talk back, even if he thought she was wrong. And his clothing was always nice and neat - shoes polished and everything."

"Wow, some bloke then!"

The cabbie added, "And he never complained about going to visit his wife's family or hosting parties. Everyone was always welcome in Charles's home! If somebody was going through some trouble, he welcomed them with open arms. And he could fix so many things around the house. No need to call a plumber or a carpenter if Charles was around!"

The passenger, not believing all of this, politely said, "An amazing fellow. How did you know him?"

"Well, I never actually met Charles."

"Oh," said the passenger. He hesitated. "Then where do you hear all of this?"

The cabbie sighed. "I married his d@mn widow."