Off Topic Chat
Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Malka, Jul 27, 2016.
...have a joke thread?
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A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes £8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
I don't remember a dedicated one, but I have pinched several jokes for recycling elsewhere. I sometimes wonder whether a daily chat thread, like Dogsey 's, would work on here.
We already have this off topic section Carole and there are plenty of chat sites, including FB, so I do not think that a daily chat thread would be to Breedia's advantage.
I think a daily chat thread would be a good idea myself like the one on Dogsey. there's also one on other pet forum I belong to called Day to Day.
I've often got little stories about my two or something funny that happened during the week which don't warrant a thread on their own or don't quite fit in the Off Topic section because they're usually related to dogs.
Little stories/jokes/pictures are one thing, but I would hate to see Breedia turning into a chat site where everyone tells their daily life story. This is Breedia, not a daily chat site and I would hate to see go that way.
I think a lot has to do with the forum, and I don’t think there are enough ‘active’ members here to make it work.
The Medical Community is unable to reach consensus on what to do about the Health Service situation:
So while most are bedding down and feeding their Camels, here is the latest health care news…
The Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the @$$holes in Parliament.
Someone's just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me.
But I only received super fish oil injuries.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though.
It does everything – Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..
John's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Jane, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure John would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied her friend, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Jane. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" her friend exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Jane answered. "The funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Her friend computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? It must be enormous - how big is it?!"
"Three and a half carats."
A family were sitting down to breakfast. A butterfly came through the window and little Mickie jumped up and swatted it with a rolled up paper. His mother said "That was not a nice thing to do, you will have no butter for a fortnight."
As she finished speaking a honey bee flew past the table and the daughter Mary took off her shoe and splatted it. Mother said Mary "That was not nice killing, one of the good lords creatures. You shall have no honey for a fortnight."
As she returned to the stove a cockroach ran across the floor, Momma screamed and stamped on it.
Mickie turned to his father and said "Poppa are you gonna tell her or should I?"
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles.
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
My dog can do magic tricks. It's a labracadabrador.
How does a dog stop a TV show? He presses paws.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly? The collie wobbles.
What type of dog wears glasses?A cock-eyed spaniel.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema? Anywhere it wants to.
A woman called our airline
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
Your going full pelt with the jokes!! Joke #14 got my sides split.
What do you do if you split your sides laughing?
Run until you get a stitch.
Kate, it is like the funny photo thread, which sort of grew, like Topsy. I think that one is on page 11 now
A Canadian psychologist is
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog
is smarter than you.
- - -
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
- - -
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s never for them.
- - -
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a dog does.
- - -
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
“All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a cougar?
A: Trouble with the postman.
- - -
Q: What do you get when you try to cross a pit bull with a computer?
A: A lot of bites.
- - -
Q: What kind of dog eats with his ears?
A: They all do. I haven’t seen a single dog remove their ears before tucking in.
- - -
Q: What happens when you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: You get a dog who chases after cars a lot – and actually catches them.
- - -
Q: What do you get when you cross a Doberman and a hyena?
A: No idea, but if it laughs, I join in.