Off Topic Chat
Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Malka, Jul 27, 2016.
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A woman takes her 16 year old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what seems to be the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.
A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
Times were hard...
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.
While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’ll be pregnant. If they’re lying in the mud, they’re not.”
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.
The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” yelled his wife, “They’re in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn.”
I've recently started taking Viagra. Not because of impotency, it just stops me falling out of bed!
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long?”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”.
“It’s my job.” replied the salesman.
Joe tried on the suit, and it fit him perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure!”.
The salesman eyed Joe, then said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.”.
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”.
“It’s my job.” came the familiar reply.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly, as well.
The salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”.
Joe was on a roll and agreed.
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see, nine-and-a-half?”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”.
“It’s my job.” said the salesman, again.
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly, again.
He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure, why not.”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.”
Joe laughed smugly, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The shocked salesman shook his head, “You can’t possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!
~A Cup of Tea ~
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'teat' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know)...
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water the toilet?"
Just a game of golf
A couple of women were playing golf one afternoon. One of the two teed off and watched as her ball headed directly toward a group of guys playing the next hole.
The ball struck one of the men, and he immediately fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and seeing his hands clasped together between his legs, immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”
The man managed through the pain to refuse but he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
She persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him, “How does that feel?”
To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb is still blanking killing me.”
Been to L.A. lately?
Lmao, if that’s the case I will bypass LA
For many reasons you should stay far, far away from L.A.
I find it ironic that the choice of alcohol for homeless people is Tennant's!
This is the final exam. If you stay, you fail.
Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”
But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”
So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.”
He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.
“Sorry,” says the owner, and points to a sign, “No pets allowed.”
“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.
“Yes, they’re using them now.”
The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.
“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.
“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”